As I sit at home by myself on the biggest party night of the year, I am in no way upset by my solidarity as Cora sleeps peacefully in the next room. This has hands down been the most difficult yet rewarding year of my life; but, I'm very excited to say goodbye to this year and start a new one with a new sense of self. My plan for this post is to reflect on the big lessons the experiences of this year taught me, and also spend a little time writing out my plans for becoming a better person when the clock strikes midnight. Goodbye 2011, 2012 here we come!
A number of years ago I read a little book called the Four Agreements. I remember feeling touched by the simple message of this book, but it's not until now that I reflect on how important each of the agreements are in my process of learning, growing, and moving forward.
Agreement number one: "Be Impeccable with Your Word". In my past life I did not follow this agreement. I have a mouth that has loved to gossip, process, plan, and even share the occasional white lie (or really really big lies. sigh). Up until this year my lack of impeccability with my word may have cost me a few friendships but clearly not a big enough wakeup call for me to take this agreement seriously. I have learned that being impeccable with my word helps me live with a clearer conscience: while I still will occasionally talk ill of a coworker if they are driving me bananas, I do my best to stay neutral and positive with my word. It's hard not to fib a little here and there, but I am working to cut these habits out of my life in order to teach Cora that standing by one's word can yield very positive results for everyone in her life! I am already seeing the benefits of this practice as I begin dating again. In my past life I would skirt issues, or lie about my feelings, or give insincere compliments. Now, I cut to the chase. If I'm not interested I say so flat out. If the person I'm having a conversation asks me a difficult question about my past, I lay the answer out right then and there. I'm really in a take me or leave me mindset at this point, and I hope that Cora will learn that once she knows herself she shouldn't be afraid to lay it all out for the world to see and be proud of!
Agreement number two: "Don't take Anything Personally". When Matt and I were in counseling our therapist told me he thought I had a "Pollyanna Complex" where I worked so hard to please everyone else and constantly worried about how I was affecting others. In turn I would make everything my problem, and in the end would take everything personally. I wanted to be sure that I was not the cause of anyone's hurt, and if I was I usually went out of my way to apologize--even if I didn't necessarily feel the problem was my wrongdoing. I would apologize for things I wasn't actually sorry for all the time! The three major lessons around this agreement this year are: 1) No one cares that much about my business and 2) I have a right to be angry/upset/annoyed/disagreeable 3) The only response I can control is my own--before I went around trying to control the responses of those around me, and wow is that exhausting!!
Agreement number three: "Don't Make Assumptions". I love this agreement because people make assumptions all the time. As I grew this year I did a better job of communicating my needs and made sure to ask the specific questions to get the answers I was looking for. I did a lot of assuming in the past few years and it has been very costly. I have found that following this agreement has helped me become a more effective communicator, especially with Matt and the specifics around our co-parenting plan. When Cora is old enough to start having relationships with other children where she is initiating her own play, I want her to be able to read social and emotional cues but use those as stepping stones to verbally communicate her wants and needs in the relationships. Thinking about this has helped me understand much more clearly what I'm looking for in my future relationships, both friendly and romantic.
Agreement number four: "Always Do Your Best". For some reason as I think about this agreement I am having an emotional moment. I have been at my best and my worst this year. My marriage ended, yet I gave birth naturally to a splendid baby girl and have done a pretty damn good job raising her so far. The physical pain endured in labor and delivery helped me come to terms with the changes in my life and start fresh with little C. I did my very best that night and have continued to give her all of my love and attention. This summer we were little Boston tourists and traveled in and around the city almost every day. I did my very best to make the time with her quality, and wore her like a little love accessory for the first 4 months of her life. Now that she is more independent (growing up way too fast!), I rush home after work to be there for her for those few precious hours before she closes her eyes for the night. I do my best to make sure she is eating all the right foods, and have done my best to take care of my body so I could nurse her successfully for her first year (only three more months. I'm oddly sad about this). If I had to name areas where I did not do my best this year and I hope to in the next is to actually practice what I preach when it comes to fitness. At work I plan to be more present with my students and prepared with my lessons. I really do consider myself an expert in the field, yet I have not been finding time on a daily basis to fulfill my duty to maintain impeccable health as a model for my students, daughter, and self! So just like everyone else I have set some new fitness goals for 2012. Here's to keeping them...
I have to take a moment to share how humbling this year has been for me. My relationship with my mother has been completely changed. She was my savior after Cora was born and while we have our differences I look at her in a completely new way. Love you mom! My father has given me endless support both emotionally and financially, and I will forever be indebted to him (figuratively and literally!). My brother and Beth have shown continuous love and support for Cora and me and I think our relationship has evolved and will continue to as the years press on. And for my absolutely amazing friends--I can't thank you enough for sticking by me in a time where it could have been really easy to shut me out. I know I talked some of you into a deep dark hole for hours and hours, and it has taken me a really long time to crawl out. I can't begin to tell you how much I truly love you, and I plan to show you that love and respect more often (so don't be surprised if you get random texts at various hours saying things like "you have no idea how much you mean to me").
The title of this post is one of my new favorite quotations and to me illustrates the ebb and flow of our lives, and how we will continue to learn and grow and fail and succeed and love and lose. Cheers to this crazy process, and Happy New Year, everyone!
